1:30am can’t sleep so I’ll write incoherently instead.

rant alert. I’m also pretty sure that I have said these things in posts before, but I dont really care because I cant sleep and being angry is the way I’m avoiding slipping further into my pit of depression.

I think I’m willing to embrace the fact that I’m an angry atheist.
I’m even what you might call an anti-theist. Fucking proud of it too. If there was a god, he/she/it is most certainly an asshole. I can not bring myself to worship some bullshit entity that “cares” about me while leaving me and the whole world to just suffer. I think that the whole free will argument (that god doesn’t intervene or help make things better because humans are allowed to make decisions) is pretty much hogwash. If god exists and lets people die in senseless wars over religious convictions, why couldnt they just …. oh i dunno.. let everyone know what the true religion is.. or say to be a true believer is to love or something like that. So many horrific things could have been avoided with just a simple “hi, this is god speaking” so we could not worry about shit getting lost in translation with shitty religious leaders.
God wouldnt have to influence anybody at all! Just being available for some questions and clarification would be nice. Humans would be able to make fully informed FREE choices after that.

I’m also completely sick of these feelings and concepts I absorbed while in the throes of christianity.. like the idea that I’m worthless and deserve hell without some savior/grace. I took that message so deep inside me (lol) that I still fundamentally feel it even after about 8 years of not buying christianity anymore. I frequently have periods of days or weeks of having a vague yet intense belief that I will never amount to anything, that my life is ultimately a waste. When I lay awake at night with this, it really brings to mind the way Id spend a pretty good portion of my nights as a young teen when I was at my most faithful. I’d lay awake crying, literally, to god to please just help me be better. There was no specific sin in mind, really… just a general sense that merely being human was the worst curse and Id never be good enough on my own.
After a while I think I just kind of realized that god wasn’t going to solve anything for me and probably wasn’t there.

I wish I could have just woken up sooner so I didn’t have to waste those precious years of my life, but I know that it’s not my fault. I just happened to be born in a long line of people who’d been duped too.

At a certain point in a person’s life, I think it’s hard to admit that you might have been wrong to believe something because it could feel like you wasted that time and cant get it back. I’m glad I wasnt stuck in that environment for longer, cause I feel like it would be harder to break my mind out of these thought patterns, and perhaps I got a head-start on being able to heal myself.

well, that wasnt as angry as it could have been…


Focus

*fair warning: this is going to be really ramble-y*

Recently I have been feeling fired up.. not about any one particular thing. I’m finding it hard to explain exactly, but I almost feel like I’m at a turning point in my life. Several ideas and plans that have been floating around in my head are starting to feel more concrete and I’ve been struggling to come to a point at which I feel confident enough to make some changes that need to be taken care of.

Taking this general vibe into consideration, I’m going to try focusing the purpose of this blog. I really want to express some of my opinions on what I find are really important issues. I do feel ill-qualified, I’m not much into reading studies and statistics, but some people have told me they enjoy hearing my two-cents.

One of my problems is that I constantly feel inadequate trying to say things that I know others are saying so much more articulately than I could ever hope to. I find it extremely hard to imagine that I am worthy of succeeding, which sounds ridiculous when I see it written but that’s how I’ve felt almost as long as I can remember. I know intellectually that I’m a fairly intelligent and kind person, fairly attractive, generous (except where cheezie popcorn is concerned), and I know how to put together a bangin’ outfit… but I still don’t feel good enough. It actually makes me angry that I devalue myself so much, but it is such a hard habit and mindset to have to claw my way out of. I live a lucky and lovely life, don’t misunderstand me, I have a life-partner who loves me for all that I am and has supported me in everything I’ve wanted to do. There’s just that part of me that feels like I don’t deserve any of it.

Why shouldn’t I deserve it? I’m not a murderer or any other sort of bad person.

(this is where I’m about to get all anti-theist all over your butts)

I love my mom and dad. They worked through a lot of hardships and raised me and my sisters to be good moral and loving people.

I have to admit that I am bitter about being indoctrinated with Christianity, though.

The most basic principle and foundation of that religion is that we are all sinful. Inherently.

That is the whole reason we need God, isn’t it? God certainly wouldn’t need us, being that almighty super omnipotent omniscient thing that it is. If we aren’t sinful (which it either allowed or intended) then there was no need for the entire Bible and Jesus’ sacrifice. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? We’d all be automatically viable for entry through the pearly gates! woo

I am not saying that because I don’t believe in original sin that I think humans are perfect. We’re just fancy animals.

Teaching children that they are born with evil inside them and that they would never be good enough on their own merit, no matter how subtle or not in the main focus of their upbringing, is still a horrible thing to do. Things that children are taught from an early age stick with them for their entire lives.. Things like body image, how to eat a porkchop, that you should brush your teeth before bed, and sin. There are a lucky few that are able to work past the negative experiences and live their lives in peace. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to work past my feeling of worthlessness as well.

I know that parents will usually do what they truly think is best for their children, I am working through my feelings of anger. My anger is at these religious concepts that infected us and our society.. and eventually I may not be angry anymore.

 

I don’t know exactly what I wanted to accomplish with writing this.. I hope if my mom reads this, she doesn’t feel like she has failed me in any way. You raised me to be a thoughtful woman.. although it feels funny to call myself a woman :P

Anyway, I do hope to write here more often (for realzies). I’m planning on more religious focused, body positive, perhaps political and some fun posts. I hope it will become something cohesive.


Various Rambling

I’ve been thinking a lot about quite a few things lately and now that I”ve sat down to write about it, all of a sudden I can’t seem to formulate the words I feel are there. 

Lately I”ve been thinking a lot about a friend I use to have that I’ve lost touch with. We met in elementary school, and we had amazing fun together. I also think she’s a big part of who I am today.. she helped me get out of some comfort zones and we were so close.  She really felt like a sister to me. In high school we were still really close. She was literally right there to help me out when my dad died. I had gone to her house after school to hang out and I remembered about an hour after we got there to call home and let them know I was at her place . A family friend answered the phone, and immediately I knew something was wrong with my dad, so I ran the block over to my house. I didn’t even get to the house.. the lady that answered the phone met me outside and told me what had happened and I collapsed. After a while being inside with my family, I had to get out and get some air so I went back to my friend’s house. Sitting there with her and her mom is one of the fond memories of that day… I don’t think they realize how much that means to me still. 

A couple years later she moved to another part of town and we started to drift a bit.. we both had emotionally troubled times and I think we (or at least I) got wrapped up in our own little worlds. 

I have to admit I felt a little bitter that she didn’t seem to make much effort in our friendship after a point, but I don’t want to blame either of us. I’m sure I wasn’t the most mature about things either… things are a bit blurred by youth, you don’t really see things clearly until you’re out of the fog of hormones and drama that accompanies high school. I did try a bit to keep in touch after school, too. But again, as some of you reading this may know, I”m not very good at keeping up with people. Eventually I started to climb out of depression and I started to feel guilty, because she was still in a bad place, and I felt helpless and a bit embarrassed perhaps. I didn’t feel like I could lift her spirits or inspire her to make positive changes like I had learned to do, and it felt like she wasn’t trying. I know that wasn’t the case, and I know that I got frustrated when people would try to force me to be happy or do other things when I was depressed, but it hurt to not be able to help her. Unfortunately I just stopped talking to her because of this, and I’m really ashamed of that.. 

Every once in a while now I really want to send her a message and tell her how much she still matters to me, even though I don’t know what’s happening in her life, and I want her to know how sorry I am for not being the friend she deserves. But I know that won’t fix years of neglect and that those words don’t mean anything without actions.. If I really cared so much, why would I have done this? I don’t know the answer.. 

If I could go back to my younger self and say one thing that could change my life, it’d be to not lose such an amazing person in my life. 


Further Faith

I haven’t posted yet this year, Happy 2013 everyone!!

I hope you’re ready for this, haha. This blog has become much more serious in the subject matter I’ve been writing about, I had originally intended this to be pretty much just a crochet/knitting/craft blog (which there will be more of, btw)

For those of you that know me, you probably know I’m not a fan of religion, I’ve made it apparent in previous posts as well. Today I just wanted to vent about the perception that I’ve seen from quite a few people that agnostics are “lazy atheists”.

While I’m sure that there are a few agnostics that are lazy about it, there are probably those same types of people in every religion. I’ve heard a few people say that they are Catholic even though they don’t believe in anything Catholics believe in or practice any aspect of it in their daily (or weekly) life. It’s just somehow a default setting they think they are just because their family raised them in a Catholic environment. To me that’s like saying that a  straight couple can only raise heterosexual kids. It doesn’t make sense.

Agnosticism is a perfectly valid belief, it’s not quite as elaborate as some beliefs are, but it is just as (if not more) logical to believe than any other thing. Scientifically, we cannot prove definitively that a God does or does not exist. Atheists generally do not believe that a God exists, and that is not the same as thinking that it may or may not. Agnostics are just smart enough to concede that there is a possibility either way, not brazenly thinking that they are the right ones.

People believe in the stupidest shit.

I am more on the atheist end of agnosticism, but I don’t think I can ever truly have proof either way, so that makes me agnostic. I also believe people should have the freedom to believe what they want, but I reserve the right to call bullshit.

Overall I think religion does more harm than good for humanity. One could argue that it’s the individuals who can be good or bad, and if a Christian murders it doesn’t make all Christians murderers. I do agree on that, but I would say that if it’s down to that argument, it isn’t necessarily the religion that makes the non-murdering Christians not murder. If it is simply the religion stopping all Christians from murdering, that is a horrible implication for humanity.

At least in the case of Christianity -which is the one I have the most experience with- it fundamentally degrades every single person. In the Bible, we are told we are inherently sinful and we have no means to help ourselves. It is only some unseen “loving” entity that decides whether or not we deserve to go to hell or to heaven. A truly loving God wouldn’t need anyone to prove themselves or really do anything, true love is unconditional.

It kind of makes me think of a guy who might say “you’d have sex with me if you really loved me”

That’s abusive.

God apparently made me the way I am, and I’m supposed to feel eternal guilt for that? No Frelling Way!

Humans are flawed, that’s for sure. But we have the means to improve ourselves and turn it around to make our own destiny.


Losing Faith in Humanity

Fair warning that this is a rant and may or may not make sense. There Will be profanity. 

 

What little I had left is dwindling.. Well technically speaking it’s not humanity I’m really losing faith in, it’s the government. Which people elect, and which is made up of people. So by proxy it is faith in people. 

In particular I’m concerned about the direction Canada is headed. Especially with fancy pants Harper in charge. He is a dick. that’s my opinion of him. He’s selling everyone out for no reason, really. I think he delights in the fact that people were stupid enough to elect him and his party (twice, I believe) and he wants to see how much shit he can get away with before someone tries to stop him or we revolt. I doubt that Canadians will mass protest on a scale large enough to make any changes. We (generally in North America) are complacent and think that WE OWE OUR GOVERNMENTS SOMETHING, not the other way around!!  I’m getting so fed up…. every day I hear another way Harper is fucking us up the asses and I know there are a select few people doing something about it, but I just don’t have faith that anything is going to change. I think that’s where he has an advantage. There are probably millions that feel the same way. I feel like whatever I vote for, it doesn’t matter, whatever I think should happen doesn’t matter, because some douche in Parliament is going to put his hands over his ears and make loud noises so he doesn’t hear what the people really want. 

Enbridge pisses me off.. basically any new oil pipelines piss me off. The fact that Canada sells asbestos to the third world pisses me off, and that Harper is selling our resources to other countries. WTF!!!!

It’s at the point where I avoid reading the news because I just get too depressed. Literally. And I’d rather avoid reading it because I know I can’t change it.  

When will it end? 

I hate feeling so helpless in the fate of my country, and I hate the feeling that anything I try to do doesn’t matter because there are tons of people out there that will just balance it out for the worse. 

This is one sad person…. :(

I could probably go on and on, but I’d just start repeating myself. 

Basically my opinion is that the government doesn’t care about us and that we’re fucked unless something drastic happens and the people responsible are held accountable for what they’re doing to the country and its people AND we can’t let these injustices happen again. 

 

 


Tardy

This post (as with many of my others) is long overdue.

I think I inherited my tardiness from my dad.. when I was a kid we’d be ready to go to church on Sunday and then he’d decide he wanted to come along, but first he had to wash his hair. I remember sitting in the car looking up and seeing the bathroom light on and him rubbing his hair with a towel while we were waiting. Without fail we’d come into the service during the music or even as the sermon was just starting. I don’t think I”m always that late, but I seem to always running about 5 minutes behind everyone else.

Anyhow, there is a bit of news in my life.

1. My sister is having a baby!!! I’m so excited for them. :D  She’s due on the first of October, and I’m going to make a little layette for the new niece/nephew. Just a small blanket, a hat, some booties and a sweater if I have time. I also have a million projects in my head that I’m going to make for them! ooo a whole life of cute projects to make for a little youngster! Valerie and Mat are going to be amazing parents.

2. The place I work had a fire a few months ago. The entire thing is quite ridiculous..  the building manager or someone hired a person to get rid of weeds around the building. This person decided TORCHING THEM would be a good idea. There are lots of problems with his notion that it would be a good thing to do: fire is not the answer to weeds (have you seen how much of those types of plants come up after a forest fire has gone through? weeds thrive after a fire.); he was walking around with a propane tank and a hose with fire coming out of it (wtf is wrong with him?); and WHY WOULD YOU PUT FIRE AROUND AN OLD BUILDING?!?! the tiles around the front of the shop only have wood behind them, and who knows how old or dry or anything that wood is…

There are no words for this stupidity. He was totally irresponsible, he could have endangered lives (thankfully the fire was after store hours), he ruined merchandise that the store didn’t even own (we are a consignment shop), he has cost the business an incredible amount of money (even with insurance coverage), and he has put the employees out of work. WTF.  I could go on and on, but I don’t think people want to read this.

3. I started using proactive. This is a good thing and a bad thing… the good is that it’s made my face look and feel a lot better and I have regained quite a bit of confidence. the bad is that I am not a fan of putting chemicals like that on/in my body (with the exception of hair bleach so I can do turquoise or something fancy).

ignore the funky look on my face, it was intensely bright out.. the whole point is that my face was so irritated and red and full of acne.

 

not taking into account the makeup which is quite sheer on my general face area, you should be able to see the improvement. I still have some scarring, but that’s fading fairly quickly.

I have been trying really hard to clean up my beauty routine, I have a bunch of shampoo to use up, but after it’s finished I’m going to start cleaning my hair in a way that doesn’t strip the natural oils so efficiently. I hate throwing out things so I tend to try to use things up before I switch to a cleaner alternative. I have been using mineral and natural makeup except for a couple colors of eyeshadow that I’m just looking for a good alternative to.

I didn’t like the moisturizer I got with the Proactiv set (the green tea moisturizer). It just didn’t hydrate as well as I like, I have extremely dry skin. I’ve taken to using a teensy dab of coconut or castor oil and just warming it up and working it into my skin. The castor oil especially is really calming for my irritable skin and I don’t have to reapply moisture through the day. With conventional moisturizing creams I would likely have to apply it 2 or 3 times to get rid of the dryness.

I’m planning on blending up a little castor oil, jojoba oil and coconut oil for a blend for my skin that is a little bit lighter than just castor oil alone. The oils really help restore the luster(?) to my skin after bombarding it with the Proactiv.

In the next couple days, I have a couple yarn projects to post on here for y’alls viewing pleasure.

Does anyone else have natural beauty or other secrets? I love to hear about cool ways to use items in the cupboard or schmancy ingredients.


My Review of Gorgeous

Originally submitted at LUSH USA

We begin with the beautifully moisturizing and nourishing coconut oil, olive oil and cold pressed avocado oil. Then we add in vitamin-rich cold pressed evening primrose and wheatgerm oils and fresh lemon, orange and pineapple juice to brighten your skin and leave it looking matte. Finally, we add t…

My Favorite

By Alisea from New Westminster on 4/25/2012

 

5out of 5

When you survey your stash, you label this product: Life-Saver

Pros: Smells Great, Softens Skin, Soothes Skin, Non-Greasy, Moisturises

Best Uses: Redness/ Blotchiness, Daily Use, Sensitive Skin

Describe Yourself: Beauty Conscious

Skin Type: Combination

Age: 16-24

My skin use to be like a battleship.. I could throw anything on it and it would just bounce back and look great no matter what. Since I’ve grown past my teens, though, it’s become extremely sensitive, dry, red and acne prone. I’ve been looking for a good moisturizer for a while. I tried Skin Drink but it was far too heavy, Celestial was okay but it was a bit hit and miss.. sometimes it’d be great and other times my skin would still be really dry and I’d have to put some more on. Neither of those helped with my sensitivity.
I just got a sample of Gorgeous last week, and my skin has improved by leaps and bounds!! I still have a bit of redness from my acne scars, but they’re already starting to fade. I don’t think about trying not to pick at my face anymore because there’s no dryness at all and it’s not so sensitive.
After my sample runs out, I’m definitely going to purchase this product.
I’ve been using it right after I wash my face with Ultra Bland, which is another great product.

(legalese)


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