Various Rambling

I’ve been thinking a lot about quite a few things lately and now that I”ve sat down to write about it, all of a sudden I can’t seem to formulate the words I feel are there.

Lately I”ve been thinking a lot about a friend I use to have that I’ve lost touch with. We met in elementary school, and we had amazing fun together. I also think she’s a big part of who I am today.. she helped me get out of some comfort zones and we were so close.  She really felt like a sister to me. In high school we were still really close. She was literally right there to help me out when my dad died. I had gone to her house after school to hang out and I remembered about an hour after we got there to call home and let them know I was at her place . A family friend answered the phone, and immediately I knew something was wrong with my dad, so I ran the block over to my house. I didn’t even get to the house.. the lady that answered the phone met me outside and told me what had happened and I collapsed. After a while being inside with my family, I had to get out and get some air so I went back to my friend’s house. Sitting there with her and her mom is one of the fond memories of that day… I don’t think they realize how much that means to me still.

A couple years later she moved to another part of town and we started to drift a bit.. we both had emotionally troubled times and I think we (or at least I) got wrapped up in our own little worlds.

I have to admit I felt a little bitter that she didn’t seem to make much effort in our friendship after a point, but I don’t want to blame either of us. I’m sure I wasn’t the most mature about things either… things are a bit blurred by youth, you don’t really see things clearly until you’re out of the fog of hormones and drama that accompanies high school. I did try a bit to keep in touch after school, too. But again, as some of you reading this may know, I”m not very good at keeping up with people. Eventually I started to climb out of depression and I started to feel guilty, because she was still in a bad place, and I felt helpless and a bit embarrassed perhaps. I didn’t feel like I could lift her spirits or inspire her to make positive changes like I had learned to do, and it felt like she wasn’t trying. I know that wasn’t the case, and I know that I got frustrated when people would try to force me to be happy or do other things when I was depressed, but it hurt to not be able to help her. Unfortunately I just stopped talking to her because of this, and I’m really ashamed of that..

Every once in a while now I really want to send her a message and tell her how much she still matters to me, even though I don’t know what’s happening in her life, and I want her to know how sorry I am for not being the friend she deserves. But I know that won’t fix years of neglect and that those words don’t mean anything without actions.. If I really cared so much, why would I have done this? I don’t know the answer..

If I could go back to my younger self and say one thing that could change my life, it’d be to not lose such an amazing person in my life.

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