Focus

*fair warning: this is going to be really ramble-y*

Recently I have been feeling fired up.. not about any one particular thing. I’m finding it hard to explain exactly, but I almost feel like I’m at a turning point in my life. Several ideas and plans that have been floating around in my head are starting to feel more concrete and I’ve been struggling to come to a point at which I feel confident enough to make some changes that need to be taken care of.

Taking this general vibe into consideration, I’m going to try focusing the purpose of this blog. I really want to express some of my opinions on what I find are really important issues. I do feel ill-qualified, I’m not much into reading studies and statistics, but some people have told me they enjoy hearing my two-cents.

One of my problems is that I constantly feel inadequate trying to say things that I know others are saying so much more articulately than I could ever hope to. I find it extremely hard to imagine that I am worthy of succeeding, which sounds ridiculous when I see it written but that’s how I’ve felt almost as long as I can remember. I know intellectually that I’m a fairly intelligent and kind person, fairly attractive, generous (except where cheezie popcorn is concerned), and I know how to put together a bangin’ outfit… but I still don’t feel good enough. It actually makes me angry that I devalue myself so much, but it is such a hard habit and mindset to have to claw my way out of. I live a lucky and lovely life, don’t misunderstand me, I have a life-partner who loves me for all that I am and has supported me in everything I’ve wanted to do. There’s just that part of me that feels like I don’t deserve any of it.

Why shouldn’t I deserve it? I’m not a murderer or any other sort of bad person.

(this is where I’m about to get all anti-theist all over your butts)

I love my mom and dad. They worked through a lot of hardships and raised me and my sisters to be good moral and loving people.

I have to admit that I am bitter about being indoctrinated with Christianity, though.

The most basic principle and foundation of that religion is that we are all sinful. Inherently.

That is the whole reason we need God, isn’t it? God certainly wouldn’t need us, being that almighty super omnipotent omniscient thing that it is. If we aren’t sinful (which it either allowed or intended) then there was no need for the entire Bible and Jesus’ sacrifice. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? We’d all be automatically viable for entry through the pearly gates! woo

I am not saying that because I don’t believe in original sin that I think humans are perfect. We’re just fancy animals.

Teaching children that they are born with evil inside them and that they would never be good enough on their own merit, no matter how subtle or not in the main focus of their upbringing, is still a horrible thing to do. Things that children are taught from an early age stick with them for their entire lives.. Things like body image, how to eat a porkchop, that you should brush your teeth before bed, and sin. There are a lucky few that are able to work past the negative experiences and live their lives in peace. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to work past my feeling of worthlessness as well.

I know that parents will usually do what they truly think is best for their children, I am working through my feelings of anger. My anger is at these religious concepts that infected us and our society.. and eventually I may not be angry anymore.

 

I don’t know exactly what I wanted to accomplish with writing this.. I hope if my mom reads this, she doesn’t feel like she has failed me in any way. You raised me to be a thoughtful woman.. although it feels funny to call myself a woman 😛

Anyway, I do hope to write here more often (for realzies). I’m planning on more religious focused, body positive, perhaps political and some fun posts. I hope it will become something cohesive.

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