1:30am can’t sleep so I’ll write incoherently instead.

rant alert. I’m also pretty sure that I have said these things in posts before, but I dont really care because I cant sleep and being angry is the way I’m avoiding slipping further into my pit of depression.

I think I’m willing to embrace the fact that I’m an angry atheist.
I’m even what you might call an anti-theist. Fucking proud of it too. If there was a god, he/she/it is most certainly an asshole. I can not bring myself to worship some bullshit entity that “cares” about me while leaving me and the whole world to just suffer. I think that the whole free will argument (that god doesn’t intervene or help make things better because humans are allowed to make decisions) is pretty much hogwash. If god exists and lets people die in senseless wars over religious convictions, why couldnt they just …. oh i dunno.. let everyone know what the true religion is.. or say to be a true believer is to love or something like that. So many horrific things could have been avoided with just a simple “hi, this is god speaking” so we could not worry about shit getting lost in translation with shitty religious leaders.
God wouldnt have to influence anybody at all! Just being available for some questions and clarification would be nice. Humans would be able to make fully informed FREE choices after that.

I’m also completely sick of these feelings and concepts I absorbed while in the throes of christianity.. like the idea that I’m worthless and deserve hell without some savior/grace. I took that message so deep inside me (lol) that I still fundamentally feel it even after about 8 years of not buying christianity anymore. I frequently have periods of days or weeks of having a vague yet intense belief that I will never amount to anything, that my life is ultimately a waste. When I lay awake at night with this, it really brings to mind the way Id spend a pretty good portion of my nights as a young teen when I was at my most faithful. I’d lay awake crying, literally, to god to please just help me be better. There was no specific sin in mind, really… just a general sense that merely being human was the worst curse and Id never be good enough on my own.
After a while I think I just kind of realized that god wasn’t going to solve anything for me and probably wasn’t there.

I wish I could have just woken up sooner so I didn’t have to waste those precious years of my life, but I know that it’s not my fault. I just happened to be born in a long line of people who’d been duped too.

At a certain point in a person’s life, I think it’s hard to admit that you might have been wrong to believe something because it could feel like you wasted that time and cant get it back. I’m glad I wasnt stuck in that environment for longer, cause I feel like it would be harder to break my mind out of these thought patterns, and perhaps I got a head-start on being able to heal myself.

well, that wasnt as angry as it could have been…

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4 thoughts on “1:30am can’t sleep so I’ll write incoherently instead.

  1. Wow… That was intense. I whole heartedly agree, though. Yeah, god doesn’;t intervene? What an asshole. I think he would if he was real. At least make an exception for some people.. But anyways, I’ve been reading bits about paganism and I’m in love, to be honest. I still love buddhism, but I think there are bits to every religion that are awesome. :3 I’ve recently been thinking of being a vegetarian again

    also, I also struggle with the fact that I feel like I may never amount to anything. But hey… you’re going to school, you’re trying to better yourself. I’m just sitting here doing crafts.. :/ Which I dunnoo.. i make them for people I love and I enjoy doing it, and I am making styuff for my shop but noone has bought anything yet, and that kinda gets me down but i realize most things like this take time and most of my items are wintery.
    Ugh.. I feel like a failure a lot of the time and it makes me sad. I’m trying to cope with the fact that I should just be doing stuff that makes me happy…

    Speaking of, do you know of any bursaries or grants I can get? I almost want to take an art course at the college… for funsies.

    1. I think that we need to relearn what success means and decide what will ultimately make us feel like we accomplished something with our lives. Even if we don’t end up famous for having solved some huge humanitarian issue or curing a disease… Having a positive influence among the people you interact with is a good thing! If you want to do something bigger, then maybe work towards that. If there is no god, you make your own destiny and you make your own life mean something. It is an overwhelming feeling, but very liberating.

    2. Oh, and I do love the romanticism I feel when I think about paganism and nature religions, but I don’t know if I can practice those type of religions because I’m so skeptical. It would be nice to find meaningful traditions and use them in my life, I just don’t think I’m at that point in my life yet…. Still trying to pick up the mess that Christianity left me in.

      1. Yeah, I understand totally. You’re not ready and that’s okay. but when you are, you should !! I agree with you, it’s not about being remembered, but maybe being loved by the close ones around you. 🙂 Sometimes it’s hard to remember this though… I definitely feel like I should be doing something meaningful with my life (even though i’m completely happy doing what I’m doing now) (I made a blog post about it yesterday) i think it’s just societal pressures making me feel like i should just conform to the masses. I’m happy being me though,… i’m so happy with everything about me now.. more than I ever was.

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