I’m determined to have more than 3 posts in 2015.

Current thoughts:

Feeling really drained and shitty because I have had more intense anxiety in the past couple weeks.. I went on what could be called a vacation, and it was nice to see people I haven’t in a long time, but all the expectations and the feeling of demands on my time was really taxing. On the train home from the airport I had a major episode and could barely keep myself from just running out and walking home instead or curling up in a ball. People were trying to ignore when they noticed me trying not to cry, and it was so humiliating. For 40 minutes I was trying so hard not to panic and tried to count as high as I could in french. I almost got to 300. I don’t even really know what happened that made me feel that way, but I feel like it’s getting worse. The stress of not really knowing when something like that will happen probably doesn’t help anything either.

I got challenged by a friend to do one piece of art per day for 5 days. Haven’t started yet. I don’t feel any inspiration.

Bought some gorgeous yarn. Super happy about that! 12 skeins of silk/merino blend… yum!

And I signed up for more days of work than I should have during study break. I honestly don’t *need* the money, so I should have tried to just take the extra days of relaxation… but I didn’t know at the time that I would be feeling so crazy.

I’ve decided to try going to the walk-in clinic to see about getting a referral or something for a therapist or doc who can help me with this anxiety, and the depression I’ve been dealing with for years. I always feel like it’s not actually a big deal and that other people have it worse than me. Other people probably do, but I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try to take care of myself, cause no one else is going to. I know people who might want to try, but I’m an adult, and they can only do so much for me.

I have no idea exactly how to explain to a doctor what I need, don’t even know really what that is… at this point I honestly want to just have it solved and gone so I can feel what normal feels like. It’d be nice to be able to just do all the things I’d like to do with my life.

 

I am not really sure what to post anymore. I don’t know why any of you have followed me.

I use to talk about crafty stuff.. then I talked about atheism, and now I’m going on about my mental health shit. I will probably visit all of these topics, and most likely it won’t look like a focused type of blog that way. Maybe I could try finding the connections between these seemingly unrelated topics. Let me know what you think if you feel like it.

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