Day 14 worries

The thing I worry about the most is failure. I worry about a lot of small daily things and a few other larger things, but the theme is definitely failure. 

It’s the kind of worry that brings paralysis. For instance, for years I was so scared of failing at school and not knowing what I could be successful at, that I just didn’t go. Didn’t even apply, and when I attempted courses every couple years, I would become a horrible student. This isn’t a healthy worry at all. But I’m definitely getting better at working through the anxiety and keeping focus on the bigger picture. 

I worry about failing courses and wasting money and time, I worry about doing a couple years of my degree and finding out that it’s not for me, I worry about graduating and not being able to find a job, I worry about if I find a job and it’s not good enough to support the family I want to build. I worry about if I will be a bad mother someday, a bad partner, a bad friend. I know I’ve been a bad sister.

I don’t believe that there is a life after I die, so mostly I worry that I will have wasted my life. 

Being an adult sucks, because it’s all on you to accomplish what you want, and to even decide what you want in the first place. 

That probably sounds really pessimistic, and it kind of is. I think it’s easier to be able to adjust your goals and do what you need rather than try to live up to someone else’s idea of what you should be or what their plan is.

When I worry about little things I basically worry about failing to start or to complete them, so it’s all the same sort of thing.

Thing thing thing! I say that a lot haha, sorry!

 

One thing I don’t fail at is being a good knitter.  

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9 thoughts on “Day 14 worries

  1. That sock 😮 I loooove how it turned out so far!! Is that the one you kind of made your own little pattern for while we were talking? I also worry about failing, it’s why I haven’t and probably never will go to school. At least not for a very long time…

  2. “You are not your job.
    You’re not how much money you have in the bank.
    You’re not the car you drive.
    You’re not the contents of your wallet.
    You’re not your f***ing khakis.
    You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.”

    (Tyler Durden, “Fight Club”)

    Does that make you feel any better?

  3. Now let me use my own words instead of stealing from a movie (albeit a cool movie).

    Too much success can be a bad thing. I once had way too much money and nothing to do with it, and my life felt completely empty. I felt numb all the time. So, I quit my job, and I felt better being unemployed and going on interviews (without any future job prospects) than I did when I had a job. The potential for failure gives you an excuse to keep trying (or to try different things).

    I’ve also never understood that idea that not having an afterlife makes this life more meaningful. YOLO??? If there is no afterlife, then life means nothing. The whole point of life is to do something now that will be beneficial in the future. The purpose of the sentence I just typed was to serve as a prelude to this sentence I am typing right now.

    Life is also a matter of perspective. What exactly makes you think you are alive right now? You could be dreaming all of this. This might already be the afterlife or one of many afterlives.

    Or take a more physical approach. Your body is a reaction to the world around you, and the world around you is a reaction as well. This chain reaction will continue long after what you perceive as the individual “you” has “died”. Many of the cells in your body are not the same as the ones that were there when you were born, by the way. You’re a clone of your younger self. She already “died”.

    1. Uh… Wow. Who are you?! Haha! I am unemployed at this moment and your talkings made me feel better. I just want to be happy. I don’t care about money or anything like that I just want to be happy in this life. I can’t help but feel a tremendous pressure to be something. Some sort of career. I don’t know what’s right for me and it’s scary as hell. :/ I don’t want to waste all this money in loans for something that’s not right for me…

      1. I definitely think there is a pressure to be “successful” which means having a career, having a car, having money etc etc
        It’s hard to know that it’s not the measure of a life well lived, and still try to operate outside of that pressure and not be influenced by it. But it’s definitely a process, and I agree that your happiness is the most important thing you should think about.

        1. Yeah… I’m trying to be all “eff the man!” and not have a career, but that’s not going to last forever, and I really should have one. I think something like hairdressing is good because it allows for creativity and such, you know? 🙂 Blah.. One day.

    2. I think that this post may have misrepresented my entire feeling about failure vs success. I do worry about it, because of the realities of living in a capitalist society of course I have to worry about money, and in my opinion it’s better to have more rather than none. But money certainly isn’t a replacement for happiness. I’ve been dirt poor with my partner and those were some of the happiest times in my life. I also didn’t grow up in a family with lots of money, I was kept fairly unaware of this fact because my parents didn’t let it affect me and my sisters very much, and I’m grateful for that.

      I also don’t actually believe that there is meaning inherently in anything. “YOLO” to the extent that yes, I will only live once and that means I can’t just fritter my time away on useless pursuits. But I’m still trying to find out what useful pursuits are for me, and I know everything won’t be perfect but I’d like to try for it. I don’t want to waste resources (like money/time/etc) on something that I will realize I don’t want to do. It’s inevitable, but I still worry about it. I could be dreaming or this could be the Matrix, but you can’t operate your life just waiting to wake up.

      Your thoughts about the body being a reaction to surroundings and how the cells in my body today are not the cells that were my body years ago are really cool and an interesting insight. But I don’t really know how those types of things should effect how I behave in my day to day life… I don’t want to sound mean about it. I was never the type of person that was comforted by knowing that we don’t know the nature of reality and that we are insignificant in the face of the universe.

      I hope I explained my thoughts in response to yours in a way that actually makes sense.
      I really appreciate you taking the time to comment 😀

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