Day 14 worries

The thing I worry about the most is failure. I worry about a lot of small daily things and a few other larger things, but the theme is definitely failure. 

It’s the kind of worry that brings paralysis. For instance, for years I was so scared of failing at school and not knowing what I could be successful at, that I just didn’t go. Didn’t even apply, and when I attempted courses every couple years, I would become a horrible student. This isn’t a healthy worry at all. But I’m definitely getting better at working through the anxiety and keeping focus on the bigger picture. 

I worry about failing courses and wasting money and time, I worry about doing a couple years of my degree and finding out that it’s not for me, I worry about graduating and not being able to find a job, I worry about if I find a job and it’s not good enough to support the family I want to build. I worry about if I will be a bad mother someday, a bad partner, a bad friend. I know I’ve been a bad sister.

I don’t believe that there is a life after I die, so mostly I worry that I will have wasted my life. 

Being an adult sucks, because it’s all on you to accomplish what you want, and to even decide what you want in the first place. 

That probably sounds really pessimistic, and it kind of is. I think it’s easier to be able to adjust your goals and do what you need rather than try to live up to someone else’s idea of what you should be or what their plan is.

When I worry about little things I basically worry about failing to start or to complete them, so it’s all the same sort of thing.

Thing thing thing! I say that a lot haha, sorry!

 

One thing I don’t fail at is being a good knitter.  

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Selfie Saturday -day 11

hi guys, another belated post… Since it is technically Sunday right now.

I was definitely not feeling pretty today, but instead of using a previous selfie like last week (which was basically cheating) I decided to suck it up and take one anyway! 

  

Been dealing with acne, but it’s slowly getting better since I got some pro-active the other week. My eyebrows are growing back, and I actually have most of my eyelashes! The first time in about 7 months…. I’m always scared that they won’t last because it’s always when I feel like I’m over it that I get another episode of pulling. Trich is a bitch.

Positives from today: I finished a take-home exam over 2 days early! And I feel pretty confident about it. I’m still going to go over it once more before I hand it in on Monday, but I’m super proud of myself. I also had a day with pretty much nothing on the negative thought front! Will and I were both feeling optimistic and had a wonderful relaxing day together, and we watched Daredevil on Netflix while we ate pancakes!!! Delivery pancakes! It was beautiful, they were really actually good, not soggy or anything and it was just so novel having breakfast delivered at 8pm on a Saturday. Totally recommend the experience.

Sadly, my phone is officially totalled. I was closing the window while holding it (stupid, I know) and it popped out of my hand and fell 6 stories down. The screen is completely un-readable, but it actually receives phone calls better than it was in the past month. I’ve had it for 4 or so years, and it was such a trooper.

RIP phone, I will treasure you forever

Also, here is my grumpy cat. She is grumpy cause she had to have a shower yesterday because of a yucky incident where poo got stuck to her butt.

 

  

Day 5! Fave beverages/teas

Anyone who knows me knows I love beverages. I honestly don’t drink as much fluids as I should, but I don’t dislike many types of drinks. Beer is among the few I really can’t stand.

I think I’ll make it something like a top 5 list.

DSCF1001

This is my tea and coffee cupboard, but it’s 90% tea. I have 2 bags of coffee beans that I really almost never use, and I’ll probably end up using them to dye some fabric instead of drink it all.

In terms of teas I love, I have found I mostly have a soft spot for chamomiles. I don’t drink black teas very often because I usually forget to take the bag out and it gets really strong and bitter. Also, sugar and milk have no place in my teacup, only honey on occasion.

Continue reading

Usually I can manage fears and anxieties.. at least to the point that it doesn’t affect my life too much. That’s probably not even very accurate, because I abstain from activities all the time based on anxiety and needing to be in my comfortable space… but what I mean is that usually I can hide it and people don’t realize how much of a freakin’ mess I am. Continue reading

Tardy

This post (as with many of my others) is long overdue.

I think I inherited my tardiness from my dad.. when I was a kid we’d be ready to go to church on Sunday and then he’d decide he wanted to come along, but first he had to wash his hair. I remember sitting in the car looking up and seeing the bathroom light on and him rubbing his hair with a towel while we were waiting. Without fail we’d come into the service during the music or even as the sermon was just starting. I don’t think I”m always that late, but I seem to always running about 5 minutes behind everyone else.

Anyhow, there is a bit of news in my life.

1. My sister is having a baby!!! I’m so excited for them. 😀  She’s due on the first of October, and I’m going to make a little layette for the new niece/nephew. Just a small blanket, a hat, some booties and a sweater if I have time. I also have a million projects in my head that I’m going to make for them! ooo a whole life of cute projects to make for a little youngster! Valerie and Mat are going to be amazing parents.

2. The place I work had a fire a few months ago. The entire thing is quite ridiculous..  the building manager or someone hired a person to get rid of weeds around the building. This person decided TORCHING THEM would be a good idea. There are lots of problems with his notion that it would be a good thing to do: fire is not the answer to weeds (have you seen how much of those types of plants come up after a forest fire has gone through? weeds thrive after a fire.); he was walking around with a propane tank and a hose with fire coming out of it (wtf is wrong with him?); and WHY WOULD YOU PUT FIRE AROUND AN OLD BUILDING?!?! the tiles around the front of the shop only have wood behind them, and who knows how old or dry or anything that wood is…

There are no words for this stupidity. He was totally irresponsible, he could have endangered lives (thankfully the fire was after store hours), he ruined merchandise that the store didn’t even own (we are a consignment shop), he has cost the business an incredible amount of money (even with insurance coverage), and he has put the employees out of work. WTF.  I could go on and on, but I don’t think people want to read this.

3. I started using proactive. This is a good thing and a bad thing… the good is that it’s made my face look and feel a lot better and I have regained quite a bit of confidence. the bad is that I am not a fan of putting chemicals like that on/in my body (with the exception of hair bleach so I can do turquoise or something fancy).

ignore the funky look on my face, it was intensely bright out.. the whole point is that my face was so irritated and red and full of acne.

 

not taking into account the makeup which is quite sheer on my general face area, you should be able to see the improvement. I still have some scarring, but that’s fading fairly quickly.

I have been trying really hard to clean up my beauty routine, I have a bunch of shampoo to use up, but after it’s finished I’m going to start cleaning my hair in a way that doesn’t strip the natural oils so efficiently. I hate throwing out things so I tend to try to use things up before I switch to a cleaner alternative. I have been using mineral and natural makeup except for a couple colors of eyeshadow that I’m just looking for a good alternative to.

I didn’t like the moisturizer I got with the Proactiv set (the green tea moisturizer). It just didn’t hydrate as well as I like, I have extremely dry skin. I’ve taken to using a teensy dab of coconut or castor oil and just warming it up and working it into my skin. The castor oil especially is really calming for my irritable skin and I don’t have to reapply moisture through the day. With conventional moisturizing creams I would likely have to apply it 2 or 3 times to get rid of the dryness.

I’m planning on blending up a little castor oil, jojoba oil and coconut oil for a blend for my skin that is a little bit lighter than just castor oil alone. The oils really help restore the luster(?) to my skin after bombarding it with the Proactiv.

In the next couple days, I have a couple yarn projects to post on here for y’alls viewing pleasure.

Does anyone else have natural beauty or other secrets? I love to hear about cool ways to use items in the cupboard or schmancy ingredients.

Food!

this has been a good food week.

Last Thursday (the 11th) it was my birthday!! so we were going to go to this place called Cockney King’s, but it was full up with a line, and we did not want to wait. There happened to be a burger place across the street that Will said was good, so we went there instead. BURGER HEAVEN!! literally and figuratively. It’s the name of the restaurant, and the burger I got was the most delicious thing ever!! If anyone comes to New Westminster and has a craving for some meat (or not, they do have veggie burgers) on a bun, this is the place to go!

On Friday we decided to go to Okonomi Sushi, which I’ve been to before, it is fantastic! Will got the burning stone that you cook your meat on, and an insane amount of sake (which I have discovered is delicious when it’s hot). I got this bento box meal that was incredible and so filling. The service there is really good whenever we go, I love it that whenever someone walks in, all the people there greet you! no matter how far they are from seeing you XD

Saturday and Sunday are a little confusing for me, I forget what happened in what order..(after I wrote it all out, I figured out what happened XD) I know on Saturday we went to Blood and Iron for our second sword fighting lesson! Afterwards we went to get groceries.  On Sunday we went to metrotown and had lots of fun and got a couple cool pieces of jade jewelry. Will got a Flash flash drive, and I went to Lush!!

I also had an interview on Saturday, which I didn’t hear back from today. So I probably didn’t get it, but I feel I did well on the interview, which helps with my confidence.

On Sunday(or saturday?) Saturday Will made us this :

Salmon with "Alisea sauce" on Broccolini

Alisea sauce is Will’s creation.. he’s so good to me. It’s a blueberry sauce that’s really yummy on pork too.  It’s not too sweet, like you might suspect.

Skip forward to today: I made Ginger glazed Carrots from this recipe. It was good, a bit sweet for me, but I didn’t use “fresh” orange juice, I used tropicana. 😦 I tasted it part way through and I thought it was going to end up sweeter than it was. Will seemed to like it, though.

Will also got me cookies today!!! woohoo. it was from a place called Cookies by George, downtown Vancouver, and every cookie was perfect. Especially this one molasses cookie, and the chocolate chip.

We also got a Santevia gravity water system. Water actually tastes really good from it. I’ve been drinking more of it, which is good because I don’t usually get enough water in my system. we got it on sale.

All in all a good week.

It’s official

I can’t fit into my wedding dress right now.

sad panda face

anyways.. so it’s just given me the extra motivation I needed to kickstart my healthy lifestyle changes I’ve been wanting to make. Exercising for one. Eating more fruits and veggies, not so much bread and deep fried stuff or junk food which I know doesn’t contribute anything to the healthy functioning of my body.. and I want to eat less meat.

I’m not at all ungrateful, but living with the in-laws these past months has really taken a toll on my food choices. His mom makes so many delicious rich heavy foods that I’m not use to (on such a regular basis). And they’re good, believe me they are.. but I like those types of things as a once in a while treat reserved for holidays, not every day. I’ve had more butter, dairy and crazy mashed potatoes and cheese and bacon than I can handle. I don’t feel very energetic. When I eat I don’t want to feel like hibernating and just vegetating on the couch, I want to feel alive and vital after I eat. That’s what food is supposed to do, right? give you energy?

Don’t misunderstand me at all.. I honestly believe that you can be healthy and fat at the same time. Just like someone can be skinny and unhealthy at the same time. I just know for myself that I’m indulging too much in things that I really don’t need to.  I do want to fit my clothing better and feel more confident, but that comes with the energy and feeling at peace with the choices of what I put into my body. If I reach my goal of eating well and getting activity into my day more and I’m still chubby, then I’m good with that. I *love* my hips and my curves, but I can’t help wanting to not feel jiggly and yucky when I simply walk down a hallway.

One thing that I dislike about myself is that my thighs stick together when I walk and stuff.. I don’t like that feeling. It’s why I’ve almost never worn skirts in every day dealings.

to counterbalance that little negative nelly moment: I like how my skin freckles during the summer.

On another note, I got these couple things a while ago, but I still have to show someone! this awesome stitch holder and this surprisingly good set of Needlework reference books.

10 cents!!!! Isn’t that amazing?! I really like it, cause it’s handy and I’m a sucker for neat packaging like that.

Now this is a set of 3 books called the Leewards Complete Library of Needlecraft. In the books it covers pretty much all the basics and a bit to spare on Knitting, Crochet (including tunisian, hairpin and basic tatting), macrame, embroidery, Sewing, patchwork and applique, needlepoint/cross stitch, and even Rug making!!!!

There are lots of good looking patterns  in these books that are on my ever growing list of projects to complete. I’d recommend them if you happen to ever see these books around.