It’s been a little over a month since I did my grand April blogging challenge. I’m super burned out, so that’s why I haven’t done any other blogging. Between work and school and home it’s just a lot and I haven’t felt like I’ve got anything to say.
“oh but alisea, you’ve always got something to say”
I actually blogged for (most of) 30 days. I’m happy that I did it.
Today is the day I’m supposed to talk about what goals I have for this next month.. I think I’ll tackle this on two fronts: the blog and the personal.
In terms of the blog, I want to keep blogging at least twice a week. Probably something like Tuesday/Wednesday and Saturday/Sunday. I’m planning on brainstorming topics I’d like to talk about, and maybe doing some more crafting and personal posts. Do you all have anything you’d be interested? I don’t know.. Erika told me about a decluttering challenge, so I might do something with that.
Personal goals are more varied I think.. I really need to cut out sugar. I went to a candy store today.. and I’ve been eating candy every day for a while… and I can feel the sugar in my veins almost and my whole body feels creaky. It’s the combination of lots of sugar, not a lot of water, coffee almost every day, and not eating fully nutritious meals. We were doing really well for a little while, but both of us got stressed out and our meal planning derailed. So sugar = no, water = yes, coffee = maybe……. I haven’t decided on coffee, but I think if I’m going to cut out one thing, sugar is the one that I won’t get massive headaches from and I enjoy coffee more as a full (+ guilt free) experience.
I’m starting school for the summer semester next week. Just one course, so it won’t be too bad, but I want to really keep on top of the work and do even better than last semester. I have to finish my application to university for the fall as well.
I need to do some freaking organization!! I tried to find some receipts for taxes, and it was insane…. every year it’s the same. So that’s basically why I am thinking of doing the decluttering challenge with Erika. Challenges are good for me.
Oh! and when my eShakti order arrives this month, I’m totally going to do a review. I have a skirt from them, and I loved it but this time I really made a risky decision. I got a jumpsuit! my dreams of being futuristic jumpsuit girl are going to be realized! even though it’s not a really futuristic jumpsuit, it’s just a denim looking one. But it’s close enough for me!
The thing I worry about the most is failure. I worry about a lot of small daily things and a few other larger things, but the theme is definitely failure.
It’s the kind of worry that brings paralysis. For instance, for years I was so scared of failing at school and not knowing what I could be successful at, that I just didn’t go. Didn’t even apply, and when I attempted courses every couple years, I would become a horrible student. This isn’t a healthy worry at all. But I’m definitely getting better at working through the anxiety and keeping focus on the bigger picture.
I worry about failing courses and wasting money and time, I worry about doing a couple years of my degree and finding out that it’s not for me, I worry about graduating and not being able to find a job, I worry about if I find a job and it’s not good enough to support the family I want to build. I worry about if I will be a bad mother someday, a bad partner, a bad friend. I know I’ve been a bad sister.
I don’t believe that there is a life after I die, so mostly I worry that I will have wasted my life.
Being an adult sucks, because it’s all on you to accomplish what you want, and to even decide what you want in the first place.
That probably sounds really pessimistic, and it kind of is. I think it’s easier to be able to adjust your goals and do what you need rather than try to live up to someone else’s idea of what you should be or what their plan is.
When I worry about little things I basically worry about failing to start or to complete them, so it’s all the same sort of thing.
Thing thing thing! I say that a lot haha, sorry!
One thing I don’t fail at is being a good knitter.
hi guys, another belated post… Since it is technically Sunday right now.
I was definitely not feeling pretty today, but instead of using a previous selfie like last week (which was basically cheating) I decided to suck it up and take one anyway!
Been dealing with acne, but it’s slowly getting better since I got some pro-active the other week. My eyebrows are growing back, and I actually have most of my eyelashes! The first time in about 7 months…. I’m always scared that they won’t last because it’s always when I feel like I’m over it that I get another episode of pulling. Trich is a bitch.
Positives from today: I finished a take-home exam over 2 days early! And I feel pretty confident about it. I’m still going to go over it once more before I hand it in on Monday, but I’m super proud of myself. I also had a day with pretty much nothing on the negative thought front! Will and I were both feeling optimistic and had a wonderful relaxing day together, and we watched Daredevil on Netflix while we ate pancakes!!! Delivery pancakes! It was beautiful, they were really actually good, not soggy or anything and it was just so novel having breakfast delivered at 8pm on a Saturday. Totally recommend the experience.
Sadly, my phone is officially totalled. I was closing the window while holding it (stupid, I know) and it popped out of my hand and fell 6 stories down. The screen is completely un-readable, but it actually receives phone calls better than it was in the past month. I’ve had it for 4 or so years, and it was such a trooper.
Also, here is my grumpy cat. She is grumpy cause she had to have a shower yesterday because of a yucky incident where poo got stuck to her butt.
Most of the changes are pretty superficial, like I’ve moved cities, married, I’m fatter than I once was, I pay bills like a real adult.
Usually I feel like I haven’t grown at all, but other days I feel like a totally new person. I suppose a lot of it is that I’ve become a lot more emotionally mature.. I am not nearly as mean as I use to be. Just ask my sisters. Even though I still struggle with depression it’s not as deep and cavernous as it use to feel. I’ve started planning realistic goals and *actually* started working on them. Especially concerning my education.
I think a lot of the feeling of not growing comes from being with myself 24/7… people I interact with don’t see all the things that go through my head, I experience the un-edited version.
I’m sorry this is so short.. I’ve been working on an essay and a take-home exam, so I’m all typed-out for the day. I’ve been providing support for so many different people this week that my brain really needs a break. I’m happy to be able to help, but when my batteries get low, I really can’t ignore it or else bad things happen.
This is me and my significant other/husband, not as of today, but it’s the most recent picture I could find. I realized today that part of the reason I’ve been feeling so out of it is that I have come upon my woman’s time again. UGH!
So yeah.. selfie saturday wasn’t very promising for me today haha
In Erika’s post today, she talked about some of the stuff that’s going on for her right now. I thought I might do a little of the same as part of the effort to procrastinate on an essay that is due on Monday and I have only the faintest clue on what I’m writing about.
This is the end of the 3rd week and Will and I have been making an effort to plan meals for, it’s been a bit of a trouble shooting period. The first week went really well and both of us were feeling really energetic and happy. On the second and 3rd week though, we have discovered that meals with bone-in meat isn’t really the best for us, it makes us far less likely to eat when we should and is just more to throw away, which is defeating the point of what we want.
The way we have figured has worked for us is cooking 3 or 4 different types of meals on a Sunday and putting it all into containers in the servings we need, so it’s really easy to either grab (and go to school for me) or grab and eat after work rather than waiting for the other person to come home and then figure out dinner together.
(He and occasionally I blog about this sort of thing here)
On another and more unimportant front: I’m signed up for chemistry in the summer semester, not sure how I feel about it right now. The lab gets really hot, and it’s been winter (whatever that means in the Vancouver area.. ) and my lab time is going to be on Thursday afternoons. We can’t wear sandals or shorts/capris/shortsleeve tops/etc… so it’s gonna be a scorcher!
Usually I can manage fears and anxieties.. at least to the point that it doesn’t affect my life too much. That’s probably not even very accurate, because I abstain from activities all the time based on anxiety and needing to be in my comfortable space… but what I mean is that usually I can hide it and people don’t realize how much of a freakin’ mess I am. Continue reading →