Day 14 worries

The thing I worry about the most is failure. I worry about a lot of small daily things and a few other larger things, but the theme is definitely failure. 

It’s the kind of worry that brings paralysis. For instance, for years I was so scared of failing at school and not knowing what I could be successful at, that I just didn’t go. Didn’t even apply, and when I attempted courses every couple years, I would become a horrible student. This isn’t a healthy worry at all. But I’m definitely getting better at working through the anxiety and keeping focus on the bigger picture. 

I worry about failing courses and wasting money and time, I worry about doing a couple years of my degree and finding out that it’s not for me, I worry about graduating and not being able to find a job, I worry about if I find a job and it’s not good enough to support the family I want to build. I worry about if I will be a bad mother someday, a bad partner, a bad friend. I know I’ve been a bad sister.

I don’t believe that there is a life after I die, so mostly I worry that I will have wasted my life. 

Being an adult sucks, because it’s all on you to accomplish what you want, and to even decide what you want in the first place. 

That probably sounds really pessimistic, and it kind of is. I think it’s easier to be able to adjust your goals and do what you need rather than try to live up to someone else’s idea of what you should be or what their plan is.

When I worry about little things I basically worry about failing to start or to complete them, so it’s all the same sort of thing.

Thing thing thing! I say that a lot haha, sorry!

 

One thing I don’t fail at is being a good knitter.  

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I’m sorry I failed all of everyone for forgetting my Day 8 post

But here is a double whammy!!!!!!! wooo

for day 8 I was supposed to talk about 3 bad habits I have and 3 good habits I’d like to have, and day 9 is the day to talk about someone that I’m interested in/find fascinating.

3 bad habits that are part of the reason that this post is late:

The first and probably the one with the most far-reaching consequences is that I go to bed too late.I always tell myself I’ll get to bed by 10:30 or 11pm… but here I am right now at ten minutes to 11 and I’m not even half way through this. Then I will get distracted by something on tv/youtube/facebook/reddit/tumblr and end up getting lost and finally realizing what time it is at half past midnight. Last night, for example, I was playing Child of Light (best game!!!) until 1am. And because my hubby hasn’t been sleeping well, I had to play with the cat for a while before feeling not guilty about going to bed and closing the door to leave her out.

my blurry kitty (laptop camera photo)
my blurry kitty (laptop camera photo)

And of course when you go to sleep late, you get up late. I’m definitely one of the people who need to be up early to get things done and feel good about my day, but I am in love with sleeping… I usually feel the most rested after about 9 hours. The best solution would be to tap into my inner granny and get the sleep I need while also being able to enjoy mornings.

The second is more of a mix of habit and health. I let myself think horrible things about myself, and I know it’s partly because of my current mental health, but I really want to be able to stop when I realize what I’m doing and even though it’s hard I want to tell myself that I am not worthless or a bad person. It doesn’t make sense to think those things, because I have so many amazing people in my life who wouldn’t want to be around me if it were true. I need to let myself trust them and change the way I think. It’s definitely going to be a long process.

Thirdly, the internet – and frankly computers – kill all of my productivity. Ever since my family got our first computer with an internet connection I was glued to it. It was even in my sister’s room, but there I was 80% of my free time. I feel kind of bad because she was probably completely sick of me, but it’s just one in the long line of my infatuation with screens and computers. The only time I ever get anything substantial done is when I purposely remove myself from technology, so I think I have to give myself a curfew.

One thing I’d like to incorporate into my routine would be drinking more water!! I’m constantly dehydrated, it’s so ridiculous. It should be common sense, but I just don’t keep water around me, and usually if I do, Will drinks it 😛

As for the day 9 section: discuss someone who fascinates me and why……

This is actually a lot harder to talk about.. I usually get super excited about series on tv or in books.. and actors or authors involved in those things. But I don’t really find myself  fixating on specific people.. even in my daily life.

In terms of people I admire.. I could list a few like Lucy Lawless, Katana Fatale, Ulorin Vex, my dad, Diamond Dallas Page, Felicia Day, Wil Wheaton, and my husband of course (why else would I marry him?)…. oh and Sips!

That’s a long list… usually I find people admirable or fascinating because of the activities and causes they invest themselves in and how *them* they are. I love that they are unapologetic and willing to help make other people’s lives better in some way.

so here again.. it’s super late. I am so sorry. I will endeavor to not let this happen again.

Check out Erika’s Day 8 and Day 9!

Follower Feedback?

Heyo, I was just wanting to check in with you kind people who have chosen at one time or another to follow me on wordpress and I have a couple questions that I hope you’d answer

As you probably know by now, I have started a 30 day blogging challenge for the month of April. I don’t know if that content interests any of you, and I would like to continue through the full 30 days but I’m starting to think beyond this month.

I am mostly interested in writing what you want to read.

What did you follow me for? Was it for any of my atheist/religion related posts, my crafting and knitting stuff, or something else?

Was it so that I’d follow you back? Which is totally cool, btw.

I don’t hear from you guys very often, so I thought I’d throw this out there.

Focus

*fair warning: this is going to be really ramble-y*

Recently I have been feeling fired up.. not about any one particular thing. I’m finding it hard to explain exactly, but I almost feel like I’m at a turning point in my life. Several ideas and plans that have been floating around in my head are starting to feel more concrete and I’ve been struggling to come to a point at which I feel confident enough to make some changes that need to be taken care of. Continue reading

Further Faith

I haven’t posted yet this year, Happy 2013 everyone!!

I hope you’re ready for this, haha. This blog has become much more serious in the subject matter I’ve been writing about, I had originally intended this to be pretty much just a crochet/knitting/craft blog (which there will be more of, btw)

For those of you that know me, you probably know I’m not a fan of religion, I’ve made it apparent in previous posts as well. Today I just wanted to vent about the perception that I’ve seen from quite a few people that agnostics are “lazy atheists”. Continue reading